Happy but not Happy

I just came back from kerteh..exhaustive yet happy while being there!But i did not like the journey...only on Karak Hiway..I fear of accident..but there was an accident happened on East Coast Hiway...I guess the driver must have been dozed off as it collided by itself...the car (i duno what type but the one that contractors always use) was turtle back..i didn't see the victim as i prefer not to cause traffic jam on the hi way...(even there was not so many cars on that very afternoon)

We bought some kopok...but kuantan made...luckily..i asked hubby to go and buy...turn out fabulous...yummy..yummy...yummy..(mcm ala2 bag dlm cite dora...ehehhe..)..long ago..kopok that i bought...was too salty...this time..it has perfect taste...;)...but now it becoming expensive...we bought RM5 for 10 which only can feed 3 person at a time...haaaa....(mmg hantu kopok kan???)..we tried to find the ones which ready fried but none..even they wrote on their advert..."keropok lekor goreng ada di sini"...so, as we arrived home...we fried the kopok that we bought ourselves....but then...Aqil choked while eating it..mesti ade sisa2 tulang xabes process...sian Aqil...terus he xnak mkn dah....(ok pe...i can eat more..ehehe..)

BUT.......

Suddenly I felt sad...when we had conversation on career wise..I turned up moody right after when i heard it...and suddenly...words came out from me..turn out...'i'm getting old..but no career'....then my brain start thinking of alternative how can i pursue my dreams...i have a passion which currently i cannot pursue in my current company...there is alternative...which i have no confidence to try on...with no support from anyone that have power to help me to pursue my dream...and now i becoming demoralised, demotivated and fearful...i fear to be jobless...i fear that i'm going to repay lots of money when i'm jobless...i fear of not having my own pocket money...to give to my parents...to buy stuffs for the kids...for myself...for my niece and nephews...also i fear to be jailed in my own house...no more vacation..apetah lagi..oversea vacation once a year...(as in unwritten MoU before married)....I can't live like that...and I have to live with fake smile all my life.....maybe my hubby does not understand this...he is OK i'm becoming jobless and no career in hand...but I am not OK...I am not happy...

Dah jadi mcm membebel pulak kan...;)..this all because...when i think of my hardwork and sacrifice that i've made towards my family...I think i deserve to pursue my passion...and have a happy life ever after....i will not give a fuss...IF...i didn't work hard for all this while...with very little support and motivation...i still manage to do well in my study...but in career..as i already find out what my passion is...then...the challenges come likes machinegun bullets....which for my current state...i still can't think straight of the alternatives that I'm going to work to reach my goal..........